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| Happy Mother's Day to all Moms who might read this. I doubt there will be any though, and that is just fine. So, the last time I wrote in my xanga I noticed that all of my previous entries are very depressing, though insightful and well writ. I wanted to write a nice one, since I had a very nice weekend.
Friday was cool because I went to Monterey with my friend and we walked, talked, and drank coffee.
(not a good transition, but I'm a tad lazy)
All of my brothers and I went to Mom and Dad's house for the weekend. We demoed about 400 feet of felled fence in my parent's backyard. The wood that we took out took up an entire drop-box for a semi, and we still had wood that wouldn't fit. That was yesterday. Today my Dad, one brother and I loaded all the barb-wire, old pipes, and miscellaneous scrap metal that we had in the barn, chicken coop, and shed. That was almost another drop-box full.
We found a total of 4 snakes, two gopher snakes, one california king, and one unknown. We also found two mice, maybe four lizards, about two dozen salamanders and a slug half the size of my hand. Pretty neat stuff.
Yesterday, after working, I went to the beach and took a nap there for about two hours as the sun went down. And today after working I got to take a nap on the couch before we went over to Grandma's for a while.
That is a bit too much detail about my weekend, but at least it isn't pessimistic. There is nothing like busting your butt to put a smile on your face, even if it is one of exhaustion.
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| I haven't even thought of writing in here in a long time. I think that I might create an anonymous blog elsewhere to really let loose. I'm not even sure who is on xanga anymore, besides Salus. Hi Salus!
Rant......Go!
The reason that I'm writing in this today is because I need to talk, but don't have anyone to really talk to. It's Sunday, it's the family day, and I'm lonely as hell with a side of sad. I've been making some new friends and spending a lot more time with friends that I already have, which is great, but sometimes when I'm alone my mind wanders. My time has been spent much better than in the past, I work out fairly often, I go to concerts, I go back to Prunedale and Marina often, and I go up to Sac frequently too. But it is always Sunday evenings that get to me. I just don't know what to do with myself.
I just erased about 30 minutes of writing. I have a lot of things that I think I am finally ready to talk about, but I think that some things are much better left unsaid, at least for now. Writing in a public forum while emotional (no, I'm not crying) is like shopping while hungry, it is just a bad idea.
Something that I definitely can say that won't cause a fracas is that my roommate is an alcoholic. None of you could possibly imagine how much alcohol can rule your life. It really is an amazing, disgusting, horrible thing. I wish the best for him though I don't like him, but it seems like he and everyone else in his life has given up on him quitting. It's so fucking sad.
This is the end of the writing. I didn't accomplish what I set out to, my writing was cautious and methodical but I wanted it to be like a damn breaking with thoughts being put down as fast as I could think. Maybe another day. I hope that everyone is doing really good.
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| it's been awhile i know, and i also know that i use this site only for
venting purposes. if you didn't aleady know that then take that into
accord when you read my xanga, i have a lot of good days too.
so today i feel like lester burman from american beauty. i feel like
taking everything i have and changing it. life feels like a bowl of
warm dog piss this evening. sometimes everything goes wrong and it's no
ones fault, sometimes its everyones. i want to quit everything, give
everything away and travel in poverty. i want to die and be reborn. i
want to have infinite tolerance and understanding so that there won't
be any misunderstandings. yet all i do is sit here with a drink and
drown my sorrows. unfortunately that drink is water tonight so it
doesn't take the bite off of my awareness. unfortunately i am still
thinking clearly, i am still able to see straight. unfortunately i
still feel like me.
on a brighter note, doesn't it seem like humanity is doomed? like all
people will someday be wiped off the face of the earth? if all the
nuclear weapons don't kill us then certainly the environment that we
ruined will.
i have nothing more to say tonight.
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| lately i've been thinking about some things. i feel like my life is
chaotic and that i can't get it back under control. i wonder if i ever
had it under control, and if so if ever for more than a few minutes at
a time. i'm lost in so many ways. it seems that i make a lot of bad
choices, i think i am self destructive. i never have the energy that i
want. i often ditch my responsibilities and don't treat those i love
like i love them. for some reason i can't be happy; i know it's me but
i don't know what to do about it. there are never enough hours in the
day and everytime i get behind i choose the wrong path and get more
behind.
i'm sick of myself. i feel like i want to escape my life, but when i wake up i'm worse off than i started.
i think that my girlfriend and i are usually pretty happy together and
we love each other. she is a really great girl and most of the time she
is more than i've ever wanted. we
started off so great, it was literally like a dream come true and
sometimes it seems so perfect still. now, we
fight on occasion and we encounter those silences too, the kind that
happen more because you don't have anything to say or don't want to say
anything more than the spontaneous kind that signal an absence of words
to show how deep the feeling is. these kinds of things unsettle me, i
don't know how to mend them. i get overwhelmed with feelings of
frustration and hopelessness. how are you supposed to be happy when you
don't even like yourself?
i guess this is something that everyone goes through sometimes, but
sometimes i think that i live in these feelings and they are my entire
reality.
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| do you ever wonder why some people think the things they do? sometimes
the truth of the matter seems so clear that it would be impossible to
miss, yet more and more i notice people missing it. i don't understand
why some people feel the need to let the smallest things in life become
of such great importance that they lose sight of the whole picture.
people whine about how they got cut off in the road, and sometimes
they'll do so for weeks. people will find one thing that bothers them
(which they are ususally wrong to be bothered by) amongst a slew of
goodness and suddenly nothing but the proverbial waterspot on the
drinking glass matters. for some the focus on the blemish is so great
that they will forget all about the great attributes of the glass,
they'll forget that it was the best one they ever owned and it was
they're favorite. until it got a waterspot.
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